thus making me awesome and them whores
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
