in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize