Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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