I looked at my own cervix.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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