drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
