I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
