I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize