She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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