Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
