shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
