I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
