i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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