Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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