I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
