You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
we're so committed to being not committed
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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