so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
