she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
