rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
