Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
