I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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