Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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