Three words: puerto rican gang bang
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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