He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
