I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
