god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
