Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
