Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
