the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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