Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
