I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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