he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I see more hoeing in ur future
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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