My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
