I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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