Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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