We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
this boner is exhausting
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
