I am spending my child support on dildos
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
