I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
