So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
