Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
