Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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