I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
it glows. i had to have it.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
