I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
