i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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