Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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