her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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