You made me cry and you don't even care
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
