got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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