Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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