My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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