and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
