If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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