I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
