I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
