looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize