I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
