Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
